Discipline is hard.
Something that I’m learning is that everyone is different. At the beginning of this weight loss journey, I touched on the fact that I have come to realize that I don’t have the metabolism to coast through life as a skinny person. When we take on any major life change, it’s super easy to slip back into our old unhealthy habits. No one know this more than I do. The last time I wrote about this, it was at least three weeks ago and I was feeling amazing because I had lost ten pounds. Of course, I got a new tattoo, I got a cold, I got my period….. and I took a few days off from the gym, and then I noticed a complete pattern within myself; when I take more than two days off from the gym, everything falls apart. I don’t have any idea why, but for some strange reason I get into this thing that I like to call “The Tomorrow Trap”. This is also known widely as procrastination. And it isn’t something that only applies to my workout regime; as soon as I start to make excuses, I just spiral into oblivion. All of the sudden I’m making nightly trips to the supermarket because I need cake. It seeps forth into every aspect of my life; my lack of discipline is going to be my own undoing!
And so, it has been over the last month, where I have rebelled against my success by making mistakes and excuses. Working out is still something that I do, when it suits me, instead of making it happen for better or for worse with diligent dedication. The bad news is that I’ve put myself back into a steady gaining spree, putting five pounds on that I worked so hard to lose. The good news is that I can change my world. Once again, I have to make myself a priority.
The dumbest thing is that I LOVE being healthy, and I don’t feel healthy right now. I LOVE being strong and fit, and I don’t feel that way right now. I LOVE being toned and disciplined, and yet for some reason I keep sabotaging myself in this journey.
I understand that working out five days a week, every week, isn’t always going to be possible. As a full time employee, as well as a mother, my hours are simply limited and things have become a delicate balancing act. Even so, I don’t really get why it is that my motivation falters so consistently when I do have to take time off. I ask myself if the goals that I set for myself are too lofty, or if it’s possible that I have tried to change my lifestyle too much and in too quickly a time frame. I don’t think that these things are necessarily true, I just don’t know the answer. When I compare myself today to the me that I was the last time I lost weight, I’m not sure what the difference is. I feel like I’m missing a piece of the puzzle here, but despite this feeling, I am not feeling discouraged.
I’m writing this because I want everyone to know that life changes almost never come easy. There are always blocks and hurdles, and sometimes they last a day while other times they last a month. My stumbles are not what will define me, rather they are what teach me. I have learned that I need to prioritize my life better so that I don’t end up allowing myself so much time off. In order to do this, I have decided to dedicate a certain amount of time to mapping out what I want from my life. The idea was suggested to me as a way to feel more assured in my choices by being able to really understand what fits in with my desires in life, and to help separate these things from those which I feel I “should” do because that’s what people expect of me. This will help me decide which things I can prioritize, and which things I can skip.
I guess one thing I am going to have to watch out for in the future is the fact that I know myself well enough to know that two days off will demotivate me. I have to take extra care to push hard in those times where I will inevitably be unable to make the time for the gym. And on those days, to keep a close eye on my food habits; healthy eating is an absolute must for me on this journey. Another thing that I feel that I need to be more aware of is my attitude about my food intake specifically. This includes being realistic about the fact that there are going to be bad days, and maybe even bad weeks. But even bad days are just another day, and every minute is mine to do with what I want. I want to make my health a priority, and results will follow.