I’m not a religious person anymore, as those close to me have surely noticed. And while I shy away from spiritualism in that regard, I also feel that there is something more to it all. A collective consciousness. There are places we end up that we are certainly meant to encounter. People with whom we have a higher connection than with others. Things do, as cliche as it is, sometimes happen for a reason.
It’s hard to know, when you’ve been struggling, just where your belief system exists. It’s hard to know your own boundaries and limits. It’s hard, especially in a depression because everything feels so dark and hopeless. The view becomes skewed. Nothing seems relevant, which is hard to handle when you’re in such a highly sensitive state. Nothing matters, but everything does. Many times I’ve heard it said that God or the Universe doesn’t send your way what you can’t handle, and I think that regardless of personal beliefs we can say that’s true. That’s not to say that I believe in the empty adage of “That which doesn’t kill us…” because sometimes those things which do not kill us serve only to tear us apart.
And yet, if a person is strong enough to rebuild after that fall, a new state of being can emerge where they feel as though they were on top of the world. Looking at it a few months ago, I would have thought that the peak meant there was nothing left to strive for. Instead, I want to find the next highest mountain.
So change is hurling towards me like a hurricane, and in ways I wasn’t seeking nor necessarily expecting. And yet, where I normally would feel nervousness at this uncertainty, today I look forward with my feet firmly in place. I stand strong in my spiritual belief that whatever comes at me? I will handle it.
“Be Bold, The Mighty Forces Will Come To Your Aid.” -Basil King
Our home is listed to be sold, or at least that’s what I’ve been told. If things go according to plan, we will be out by September; August marking our three year anniversary here. I wish I could say that I didn’t mind, or that I was ready for a change, and I guess in some ways I am… The biggest factor that upsets me regarding the impending move is the fact that our daughter will likely be required to change schools for her first grade year.
I’m impatient. And I shudder to type the words because I know I should avoid defining myself in such strong terms; impatience is a choice that I can counter with action. The thing is that my impatience fuels my motivation. Keeps me working every day towards my bigger goals. My impatient streak is useful to me, despite sometimes causing what feels like real, physical pain when things don’t move fast enough. My impatient streak is partially what got me into the depressive mess in the first place, where I was unable to see my own progress because I’m too close to it. I am learning to be gentle with myself in this way, but it’s hard to do when you can so clearly visualize the things you want to be doing and the places you want to be doing them in.
Moving houses annoys me on a deeper level because I wanted our next move to be across the water, to Vancouver Island. The lower mainland is so incredibly hard for me to come “home” to. Increasingly so as the days pass. But I’m telling myself it will all be okay because my work is picking up. I’m feeling better. The city has virtues in its own way, and I will become the person I know I’m going to be. For now, Vancouver is the place where I need to be. It’s the best way for me to get work, to make my name. It’s the place that gives me the most access to events and grants me the connections that I need to be able to move forward with my career. I may not like the waiting game, but it’s okay as long as I’m taking steps to move forward.
I have a clear vision of where I want to go, and a basic idea of how I’ll get there. But success isn’t found by sticking to one path, it is made in flexibility. In taking opportunity. In failing and trying again.
I am determined to do all of those things. I am determined to fail until I succeed.
I am not self assured every day, in fact I still wake up feeling a little bit frightened and a little confused. I’m never really sure I’m doing things the way I’m supposed to. But then I remember that there is no supposed to, and that our stories are written every day, individually.
You breathe in in this moment, and then you breathe out in this moment, and then you start again. Each one beautiful and tragic in its own way. Each one a gift. I’m done throwing those gifts away.
I have to have faith that with each change, barreling towards me at lightning speed, I am becoming the woman and artist I want to ultimately be. That this process is one of permanent growth and change. And that if I had everything right now, there would be no motivating factors for getting up and getting moving.
I know what I want, and I’m willing to work to get there. First a new home, on the mainland, to begin the next chapter of our success.