If there’s one thing that I’ve learned about myself over the last two months, I believe it’s that there has been more happening to me than I’ve been giving myself credit for.
As a writer, I have always found that the words that are the most difficult to share are often the most well received. I’ve known for a long time that the fear and longing that I hold inside are part of the human condition. I’ve known that those hard words reach strangers and friends deeply because we are all a little lost and uncertain at any given time.
I share my journeys with my words freely, or so it might seem, but the journeys that I share are always in pieces as I neatly package and compartmentalize them. They are heartfelt and pointed, but I express them only once I feel that I understand them.
For years, possibly forever, I have believed that something was wrong.
Most everyone knows that bad behavior is systemic; it originates from a root cause or causes, beliefs, trauma… Some experience or other that has made an impression upon us which we’ve held over time. I know that in a fatherless daughter such as myself, a little cocktail of crazy is to be expected.
I’ve allowed myself to share my emotions as they’ve come to me, but emotions are messy. They can be embarrassing. When I go back to old posts and entries, letters and thought processes, I cringe at how skewed my mindset once was. I suppose that change naturally brings upon this reaction.
Although I have been willing to share myself in a deeper way than many others, there has always been a part of me in hiding. There has always been a part of me that deeply resents my vulnerabilities. In fact, so deeply that it seeks denial. In short, I’ve been fronting.
It’s very interesting to me, looking at it now, because I have had polar opposites at work inside me for so long. Two sides of myself have been duking it out, day and night for as long as I can recall.
On one hand, I’ve been a child who is desperately trying to find love, in a way that I’m not sure can truly be explained. Im a nine year old, trying to fill a void. Im literally screaming, “am I good enough, yet?”
And then the other side works to protect me. It fights for me, trying to keep me away from anything that could sting. It’s a counterproductive reaction that keeps me guarded at all times. It sucks the life out of my moments by keeping me at arms length. It never lets me feel that I am good enough, because it keeps me from all vulnerability. It keeps me afraid.
I feel as though I have been missing something for so long, because what I didn’t know was that you need to allow yourself to be vulnerable in order to feel truly loved.
I’ve been keeping myself away from the things that I’ve wanted so badly, and in that, I have been resentful and self centered. I’ve been broken and that brokenness has negatively impacted my relationships. I have been angry, and I have focused that anger in a lot of the wrong places.
I’m tired of feeling angry and afraid.
I know that a lot of people are spending this week touching on their new beginnings and fresh starts, even if they’re avoiding the New Years Resolution angle… But for me, January or not, this feeling is building and growing every day. I just want to be able to accept myself and my struggles without constantly judging them. Everything that I really, deeply feel is followed by my ego trashing me. “I’m hurting…. because I’m weak”. “I’m afraid…because I’m a coward”.
I’m not weak. I’m not a coward. I am hurting and afraid and that’s okay because I’m a human being with feelings. I make mistakes and that doesn’t mean I’m an idiot.
I change my mind.
That’s a big one for me right now; allowing myself to change my standpoint on things. I’m so outspoken that when I realize my perspective has shifted, I also realize that I’m going to have to explain myself. People are going to wonder, “you were so outspokenly on this page, why the change?” And I’m going to have to defend, or at least explain my position.
I’ve been seeing it as embarrassing when in actuality, it’s just growth. Change is natural, and being a little uncomfortable with it is too. Considering everything I’ve been through, it just makes sense that I would have changed in the process, and that’s okay.
I’m insecure. And that’s the reason for about 98% of my behaviour on any given day. I could probably dissect it further, but eff that; I’ve been trying for years. What more do I have to say? I’m insecure and that’s why I do so many of the things that I do. It’s not an excuse, but it is something that I have to accept before I can address.
Oh shit, bro, did you just call me insecure?
You’re totally right. I am. And maybe tomorrow I won’t be, but right now I’m going to learn to be comfortable with this.
I’m the only me that I’ve got, and I need to be kinder and more accepting of her. Faults and changes and all.