As I sliced a tube of refrigerated dough into perfectly circular discs, it occurred to me that I used to have time to make cookies. I used to wake up each morning and do dishes and make roast chickens with home made gravy. I used to fold laundry and take baths and host parties. I used to have coffee with friends and write down every thought. I made photo albums and took pictures and traveled.
Now I’m lucky if I can make it out of the house with everything I need.
I feel like I’m playing a game of catch up all the time, and there are so many things to do in so very little time, I scramble and things slip through the cracks.
I’m not a pinterest mom.
There are no more cupcakes made for classes. There are no more goody bags or hours spent at the playground after school. There are no more classroom tours or volunteer field trips. I’m lucky if I can make a parent teacher conference. I never thought it would come to this, but I’m not that woman anymore. And I can barely remember who she was to begin with.
Some days it feels like I gave up everything for money. And the money is nice, but the guilt exists. I’m not the mom that I was two years ago. In fact, I’m not the person that I was two years ago. I have lost the friends I once cherished, I have lost the time that was once so dear, I don’t even have the same hobbies that I did.
Priorities shift and change, and we have to constantly ask ourselves what is most important to us. Sometimes I feel like I did life all backwards, but no doubt, the universe is unfolding as it should.
I miss the times I have left behind, but I look forward to the woman I will be in the future. Because she might not make three course dinners with organic ingredients every night of the week, but she loves hard and she works to be better than she was yesterday. Above all things, I value that ability to be true to myself and my family; even if my role is changing.