What was that thing that I said about accepting my challenges and not judging them? It’s almost like the second something like that comes out of my mouth or the second that I hit publish, the universe says, “Oh really?”
So, for some stupid reason, in the middle of the day yesterday… I stepped on a scale.
Why would I do that to myself?
Because it was time.
The month that we moved into this house, I ran. There isn’t a track as close to us now as there was in the last one. I would run around the block on days I couldn’t make it to the gym, and then one day I just stopped.
There have been stints since then; I would get my workout clothes on and go, but never consistently. Working out had become a chore and, honestly, it took up too much of my time.
And once I gave up on that discipline, I slowly stopped the rest of them. I’ve known in the back of my mind that I had slipped for a long time. I kept reminding myself that I should get a handle on it, but every morning when I woke up and said to myself that this day would be the day… but then it wasn’t.
The truth is that I’ve been pretending that I can be one of those girls who gets to eat what she wants without worrying about it. It’s denial of a different kind. The truth is that as much as I want to be that girl, I never will be. If I want to be healthy and fit, it’s something that I’m never going to be able to take a break from. I have to count and think and worry about every single thing I eat, every single day of my life; when I don’t, I end up here.
I’m the heaviest that I’ve been in four years. And that’s embarrassing and frustrating. I am angry at myself for letting it get this far, but the silver lining is that anger is an amazing motivator.
The one problem is that my lack of discipline is deep seeded. I’ve been apathetic. And it’s easier that way, but easier isn’t what I’m after, and that’s what I have to remind myself. So, in order to get back into the right mindset, I’m starting from scratch. I keep trying to ask myself how I got motivated the last time I lost weight, but the thing about that is that I’m not the same person as I was then, so the same things may not work. I can definitely tell that my mind is it a totally different zone because it has been months of struggling and denial to bring me to this place. This is why I’m going back to basics to track everything I eat and every bit of physical activity that I do. I have to get back into the mindset that food is fuel, nothing more, nothing less.
If only there weren’t so many terrible temptations, but alas. I don’t have the luxury of giving in, that’s not how I’m made. Back on track and on my way to health.